Mark: Tuesday, Dec 8th, 2015 Hella Complicated Gratitudes

• Life's what happens to you while you're busy making other plans:  Today, and many days, I'm so grateful that the world hatched John Lennon.  When he died, I was three, going on four.  Today, I'm 38, going on 39 - almost as old as he was when he was killed.  We barely overlapped, but so many of his songs are so deeply embedded in the soundtrack of my life.  Whenever I hit a hard patch - particularly the hard patch that comes from the road getting long, I turn to Watching the Wheels.  I really love to watch them roll.  It scares me and makes me feel sad and hollow in the core of my gut to think that he died the way he did, and also that literally nothing has gotten better about gun violence in the last 35 years.  In a heartbreaking irony, he's probably the one person who could write the words that would make all of this ache a little less.  But aside from the tragedy - I'm so deeply glad, and truly grateful that he lived.  I'm grateful that he matters enough to miss, even though I never really knew the world with him in it.  I'm grateful for his ideas, and his weirdness, and his music.  Shine on, John Lennon.

• I love that it's a warm winter, and it scares the crap outta me.  It's ten days before my birthday.  The sense memories I have of my birthday for my whole life are of winter coats, chilly air, and Christmas lights in the snow.  It's a warm winter in Washington so far.  The air feels more like it should in mid-March...where the temps get into the 50's and even kiss 60 sometimes, and the breeze doesn't have a cold bite to it.  It's a scary sign of the state of climate change.  And - all that said, there's definitely a silver lining...it's been beautiful, and sunny and gentle.  I can wear a light jacket or vest, and flounce about with abandon.  I turned off my furnace and air conditioner, and am just letting my house settle it's old bones into the temperate air around us.  I'm grateful for the good part.  Or maybe I'm grateful that (at least for now), there is a good part.  

• Freud would have a lot to say about this.  Dr. Wiseguy is my long time therapist, counselor, touch stone, and maybe even friend.  I've seen him in good times and in bad for more than a decade, that saw the break up of important relationships, my parents divorce, changing jobs, ball cancer, and also some triumphs along the way.  I call him Wiseguy because his last name is Weissman, but also because I really do believe he is wise.  He's calm, and insightful, and I think he gets me.  But also, a friend of his from back in the day posted this picture of him from the 80's (he's the one with the beard and the bangin pecs), and he was hot as hell back in the day.  I'm grateful for Dr. Wiseguy, and I'm also grateful that being gay means you can have a therapist who looked like this and think it's totally hot and not be tied in knots about it (unless getting tied in knots is your thing, in which case Dr. Wiseguy would say as long as you're being safe, you should totally get tied in those knots).  Also, it's probably weird that I'm Facebook friends with my therapist, but I'm kinda grateful for that too, because I like it when stuff like this pops up, and I'm also always tickled when he likes something on my wall - it makes me feel validated by a professional and a friend.

Gratitude Yeti: December 8, 2015, Fighting the Idiots

It is pretty easy to get angry at the world right now. Donald Trump and others with this whole anti-Islam thing and hating on Muslims, but I'm lucky enough to live in a community with people who support a broad range of pluralist beliefs. I was thinking about my first interaction with the Islamic faith last night and remembered it was my first mixed gender birthday party in the 6th grade. One of my best friends all through high school was a Muslim woman and Ms. South Dakota when I was in Junior High was a Muslim woman of Egyptian-American heritage. In South Dakota. I'm also hugely thankful for so many people in my life who happen to have had family, or who are active participants in the Islamic faith. From Bosnians, to Kurds, to Iraqis, to individuals who have committed to the faith here in the United States, to Lebanese and Turkish Immigrants, my life is hugely richer, directly, because of hundreds of Muslim men and women. I'm thankful for all of them!

I'm thankful for friends who are working hard to cut through the bullshit. I think we're all sitting here at the moment wondering if this is going to erupt into something like Nazi Germany in the 30s, all not really believing this could happen--but I think all ready to fight against that sort of evil and idiocy if it comes to that. I'm thankful for friends who believe in the principals of this country.

I'm also thankful I get to go out to the desert this week. The baby is expected to come in late January and I'm headed down to SoCal for my last work trip for a while and extending for a weekend out in Joshua Tree. Its a magical place and was my first big climbing trip about a year after I started climbing. My friend Chris, Robert and I went a couple years in a row, then nothing. Now, just Chris, and a few new friends since then, including another guy named Chris, are heading down there. That place is magical.

Gratitude Yeti: So Mark is crushing me on this jubilation thing, but really, am I competing with someone now to out yell about all that's amazing in the world?

Fantastic weekend here of really fabulous things from friends in town who I don't get to see often enough, to those same friends meeting Makenzie for the first time--and both Suz and Mak being preggers! So cute to watch them try and hug. We had amazing showers for our little lady set to join us in later January, saw the movie Creed, which is incredible, set up for a franchise of movies that will make Michael B. Jordan one of the icons of the next 10 or 20 years like Sly Stallone, who does perhaps his best acting, was for my generation. Do kids hang up movie posters anymore? Also, I think Michael B. Jordan may have dethroned Denzel Washington as the hottest man in America.

Also this Monday morning, a reminder from the field of Veterinarian Science that we really do have the tools and knowledge to make the world a better place--we just need to focus our resources there vs. the enrichment of a few.

I'm also super stoked to see snow falling in California and the PNW who have had the worst of the last couple of ski seasons. Now I'm hoping for way more snow in Utah. Come on storms!

On Sunday I got out with a friend to do an uphill lap at Brighton Ski Resort and also got to see another good friend and a group of fellows he skis with who skied a vertical mile--that's four laps up and down the tallest point at the resort. I hung with them for all of about 30 yards--but they inspire me to know I can do more and are all supportive of at least getting out. I love people who are stoked that you're out there and never judge on how awesome you are--just that you are.

Monday, Dec. 7, 2015

So many Monday Morning jubilations.

• The best things are always bittersweet:  Breaking up with Adam right at the onset of fall and winter cozy season has not been without it's indignities and sadnesses.  But, eight weeks later, there are also clear signs of new life.  Friday night at happy hour, it was fun to make eyes with, and then chat a bit with the cute Irish guy.  He's too young and not right for me in a few ways, but still - it was flirty and fun, and kissing on boys has long been a favorite past time. 

• Making Merry IN THE FACE:  In this season of being a gay in DC, there are always so. many. holiday parties.  It's the height of First World Problems to complain about a glut of invitations - but also, three in one night is a lot.  Saturday night was fun, and decadent and overflowing with good people and drinks and food and swirling.  Abigail and Jan's baby shower was cozy and lovely, the way their events always are. Michael and Steve's party was full of good people that I love and don't see enough of, and I could've spent the whole night there in that space, except then it was time to go to Jeff White's annual Christmas Party, which is it's own special brand of olive ball goodness.  It was a nice night, and a reminder of why I'm lucky to be here in this city with these people who are so dear.  And, like a meal that's a little too rich, where you eat just a little too much, I'm glad that most of my life isn't so densely packed, and am happy to invite a couple days of quiet to cleanse the pallet.

• Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh:  Midday on Sunday, I rolled into my acupuncture appointment with my gym bag on my shoulder, planning a post-needle work out.  But, when I sat down, Courtney - my sage hippie purveyor of professional pokery - listened to my pulse and said, 'you just seem totally wiped out."  And then I had a fantastic acupuncture nap, came straight home to rest and lean into my couch for the afternoon.  There's so much that I should be doing - volunteering, and seeing friends, and finding ways to make the world a better place - but the truth is, all I wanted yesterday was a day of rest, and I'm grateful to have had it.

• Owen & Ryan: Except that Sunday night dinner with Owen and Ryan was lovely and homey.  I'm grateful for friends who are also family.

Mark: I'm Grateful for Friday, and other things, December 4th, 2015

• Sweet, merciful Lord, I'm grateful for Fridays in general, and this current job where I have every other Friday off, and this particular Friday morning where I'm laying in bed after a long week, taking time to be grateful.  All of those things.

• Zinnia is the second name of the first woman who gave me acupuncture.  I went to her for several years in DC for wellness, insomnia, allergies and whatever ailed me.  Having found her through the BCBS website, she was listed as "Constance," but when I called and asked for Constance, she said, "Yes, well, I changed it to Zinnia, the way we all do sometimes."  What?  Going to Zinnia for acupuncture always had the feeling of escaping an urban oasis.  Her house was up in Cleveland Park, which was just outside my usual neighborhood, on a tree lined street.  She's an artist, and creator, and unapologetically lets her freak flag fly.  Last year, she moved to Spain to live near her son and his family, and I miss her in my life.  This week, yesterday, she sent around a video poem that is just so her, about leaving her home in DC, and creating a new one in Spain.  It reminded me of what it was like to be in her care, and if I could find a way to download it and loop it, I'd probably go to sleep to it everynight (for a bit). I'm grateful for her, for her particular creativity, and for the internet that sometimes delivers people unexpectedly into your inbox when you least expect them.

• Every single night this week, when I've come home to my house glowing with Christmas lights, it has made me melt.  I freaking love them.

Gratitude Yeti: I'm Thankful for the West

Filling in the jubilations today at the end of the day, vs. the start, but it lets me walk away from the day feeling, and seeing the good today. I'm thankful for living out in the West right now. For being on the high desert next to the Wasatch and dreaming about more ski dreams and wandering round these canyons and deserts and mountains. Ryan Bingam's Poet, as dark as it is, has me in a pretty damn good mood.

I'm also super thankful that earlier this year I got to go back to Angola for a project I'm calling #makeadeventurenotwar. It is, I imagine a certain sort of cliche in that the big bearded white guy in plaid heads back off to Angola to climb instead of kick land mines out of the door--but if that's cliche, that's my life and I got to go back. I got to climb with Alex Honnold. It was hard but looking back at it, it was awesome. I hope everyone is lucky enough to have some crazy fun adventures in life.

Last night my buddy Devin, who lives up in Montana came down for some sort of car issue that needed to be addressed in SLC, so I got to hang out with him for dinner and breakfast. I didn't ski, because he doesn't ski and normally I would have skied because its the most fun thing on earth, but the older you get I guess the more you recognize that you need to have friends all the time, not just on a powder day. So thanks for visiting buddy!

Gratitude Yeti: I'm thankful that I wasn't all that plugged in over the Thanksgiving holiday to sit down and write a blog! While I did somewhat neurotically check my phone during the Ole Miss / Mississippi State game on Saturday night, for the most part, I hung out with friends and family down in Phoenix.

I'm thankful my parents, who recently moved from rural South Dakota to even more rural West Virginia, were able to make the trip and we got out into the desert for a couple of hours to poke around and talk to cacti. There's something about those huge saguaro cacti that make me feel like they each have individual personalities and if you stood there long enough, you'd eventually start to have a conversation. I said as much to my Dad and we got to talking about Snoopy's cousin Spike, and we both wondered if Spike had been in the war and moved out to the desert to just be in nature, because I get that. Peanuts is a very complex and deep cartoon sometimes.

I'm also pretty stoked its winter. I want to say I'm sad there's not more snow, but I'll focus instead on the fact that we've got snow and I plan on heading up to ski tonight in the Canyons. Which is awesome...because SKI rhymes with WHEE!

Mark: Sunday, Nov 29th. Old enough to know better, but....

• When an otherwise ordinary evening turns into Saturday Night: Last night, after a few bars and different sets of friends and perhaps a few bourbons, Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas is You," came on. The entire room lit up like a big gay chorus.  It was Saturday night on the town, after a coupla days with my mom - and everything was shiny and fun.  Gay people - let it be known - are sometimes, a blast.  One of those times, is definitely when an entire room of them bursts spontaneously into song.  God save the queens.  That was so fun.  There was also something about the bar that felt like a Christmas episode of Saturday Night Live.  The holiday decorations were out, and twinkling and it felt urban and dark and happy with a tinge of bittersweetness.  (It's possible I'm just a sucker for Christmas, and I'm fine with that).

• Another Thanksgiving:  Once again, my mom came for Thanksgiving.  Missy and Sean had us over, along with Jen and Kenton.  It was actually, a pretty great holiday.  Given how complicated Thanksgiving with my mom can be, I'm grateful for that...and particularly for friends who are smart and fun and generally act as wind in the sales.

• Christmas Lights: There's a lot about Christmas that feels plastic and consumer driven.  But, I have a particular soft spot for Christmas Lights.  I love that at the darkest time of the year, people put lights on the front of their houses.  It's a sign of hope, and happiness and in some cases even community.  Yesterday, for the first time, I put lights on the front of my Harvard street house, and it was a joy to come home to last night.

Thanksgiving: Stevie Nicks, songs of gratitude and jubilation

Today, and all days really, I'm grateful for Stevie Nicks who is often - in her own way - a swirling, glittering gypsy muse of gratitude and jubilation.


For What it's Worth - I got to sing, I got to dance, I got to be a part of a great romance...what you did was you saved my life.  For what it's worth, I won't forget it.

Landslide: Oh mirror in the sky what is love? Can the child in my heart rise above?  Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?  I don't know.  Well, I've been afraid of changing because I've built my life around you.  But, time makes you older, children get older.  I'm getting older too...(ok, so this song may not explicitly be about jubilation and gratitude - but I think there are undertones of it. There's a lot of stuff in a landslide).

Don't Stop: This song is all jubilation about the times to come and boldly, joyously, and raucously charging into the future.  Hard not to be grateful for that.

Space and the Gratitude Yeti

Thanks to Mark for giving me the nickname the Gratitude Yeti. Its a great way to wake up and read something like that and I feel like it would make a great costume / trippy movie.

Yesterday my good friend DJ texted to tell me if I wanted to see him and his wife, and meet his gorgeous little boy Dakota (DJ and I are both from South Dakota) I needed to pick him up at the airport and drive him to his sister's, so of course I said yes. I'm thankful for the interstitial space that life happens in. We always think its going to be these huge things and big adventures that make life--and for me I'm lucky to do those things and they are awesome, but its also the stolen hour or 30 minutes of giving your friends a ride, and then sitting on the couch and laughing with their little fellow on your lap, that really makes life.

Second up for me today is an incredibly beautiful film I found yesterday because I get to know incredibly beautiful people who watch this sort of thing and then share it. Yesterday was a rough day, this made the day infinitely better.

Evidently Blogger only likes YouTube videos, so please do click on this sweet Vimeo Link of the movie 'Space' https://vimeo.com/146782320

Third, I'm thankful that I have friends and colleagues who hurt so much when the world goes haywire. They feel the pain of others, they don't grow cynical, and they work to find a better way through. I'm glad for that and it makes me a better person.

Mark: Wednesday, November 25, 2015 (the day before Thanksgiving)

• The Yetti of Gratitude (or the Grateful Yetti?): As Stacy wrote yesterday, it's a new day on the Book of Jubilations, and I'm super excited about it.  Stacy is my friend who is maybe most fiercely focused on changing the world each day -- getting veterans and others outside to get healthy and be the good.  He's also seven feet tall, and occasionally lifts me off the ground when hugging me like a rag doll, which is a delight.  He's got great taste in music, women, and many other things - and is maybe the perfect person to start expanding this little writing project with, which I'm super excited about.  I'm pretty sure we're going to take the world by grateful storm.

• Dewey Like the Morn:  After waking up several of the last few days with a sore throat, and feeling generally creaky each morning - last night, I pulled my humidifier out from the back of the closet and fired the old gurl up.  One solid night of sleep later, I feel rested and fresh.  This morning, there was no sore throat or other dryness related maladies that pop up this time of the year when furnaces roar back to life.  My house is warm and moist like a brownie fresh from the oven (which I think means I deserve a brownie for breakfast.  That's a thing, right?).

• Peace Wreaths & Synchronicity:  Yesterday morning, I was grumpy and petulant (it was before I'd discovered the joy of the humidifier and dewey mornings).  On the way to work, I was talking to my friend Sandy (who as I've already mentioned, I know from way back in Madison days, we chat most every morning about life, secrets of the universe, skin care and other important things).  She mentioned that my birthday is coming up, and that I was hard to shop for (I am, due to: many strong and fickle opinions).  But I'd actually just been thinking the last week, following the tragedy in Paris, that I had seen a few wreaths here and there the last time I was in Madison that were shaped like peace signs, made of dried grapevines.  I'm not normally a wreath person, but there was something about the unexpected simplicity of them that I thought was lovely.  I was describing it to her, and saying that I'd actually really like to hang one on my door this holiday season when the world seems so lacking in peace, when she said, "Yeah, this is a thing.  I was thinking the exact same thing yesterday, and I bought that exact wreath - it's sitting on the table right in front of me."  It was a freakish and fantastic moment of synchronicity and connection and apparently I'm getting a new wreath for my birthday.  I love all those things.

Finally, this song was used during a sex scene on one of the recent episodes of How to Get Away with Murder (I can never decide if that's the best or worst show on TV).  It's called Indian Summer, which I think is interesting because to me it sounds like flowers blooming in the spring - it's wordless and textured and I've been listening to it obsessively this week, which is making my life better.

Starting today...we're going to be a lot happier

Thanks to the invitation to long time friend, fellow raconteur and all around revolutionary thinker, Mark for inviting me to be a part of this project. Maybe it ends up that Mark and I are the only two that get happier for focusing on at least three things we can be jubilant about each day--but hopefully we can expand the number of authors for this here life jubilee and maybe put a dent in the rampant cynicism of our country. Maybe you get some joy out of this and we create a better, more jubilant world.

Its not that there aren't horrible things in the world that deserve reflection, consideration, and the like. There are; but right here, in this blog spot its about the things we're jubilant about, excited about. Consider it an online version of the Danish concept of hygge.

Today is my first post and couldn't come at a better time, because all I really want to do is bitch about all the wrong I've felt and the world has seen in the last couple weeks, but instead...

1. I'm thankful for the Danish. They've got the concept of hygge, which we all need in our life. An opportunity to come together and to talk about nothing that would anger others, some time carved out on a routine basis to connect as humans without labels or fears or all those things we all fear from our crazy uncle or racist aunt at Thanksgiving. Thanks Danes! Also, I'm enjoying reading about the way Danes raise their kid which brings me to...

2. WE'RE HAVING A BABY! I mean that's pretty awesome. You should meet my wife, she's the most incredible person I've ever met and I'm so glad we're together and that she's having a baby, our baby. OMG!!

3. Brian Fallon. Have you heard his amazing voice as the lead man of the Gaslight Anthem or the Horrible Crowes? He's also going solo and for the last year or so he and his band mates have been helping me to power through a lot of bull shit. Rock and roll is alive and well and even before Ryan Adams recorded all those Taylor Swift songs (that will be something I'm certainly thankful for on another day), Fallon and the Horrible Crowes covered Katie Perry's Teenage Dreams--and its f*cking beautiful.

Mark said we were only supposed write three things, but you know what, here's #4. There's some incredible pop music out there right now and as a recovering music snob, I'm no longer afraid to admit it. So here's to you Taylor Swift, Katie Perry, and One Direction.

Monday, November 23rd - Thanksgiving Week

• Saturday night was dinner with my Spitfire people - Lisa & Rory, Michael & Steve, Beth & Rich.  It was a meal at the Tabard that was lovely and grown up and good so see all those faces together.  They aren't quite old friends yet - but there's a lot of history there, and someday will be.  I'm lucky to have had Spitfire in my life.

• Saturday morning was an impromptu trip to Good Will with my friend Scott, which became a "fake day date."  The errand turned into brunch with Jen, Kenton & baby Zetta, who is suddenly much more little girl than baby. We had bloody marys, and then another couple rounds of drinks and appetizers at Union Market, and laughed.  The Scott and I rolled on for a couple more drinks at the Standard.  It was a fun day, mixing new and old friends in a new combination.   It was a perfect fall Saturday.

• Friday, I spent hours cleaning and organizing my closets.  It was the perfect way to spend the fall day - I didn't feel that well, and didn't want to be out in the world, but also didn't want to waste the day.  I love the way the house feels when it's clean - like, actual clean where things are organized and thoughtfully arranged.  It resulted in several bags for Good Will that got a lot of old unused things out of the house, and hopefully headed to new owners who will love them.  I'm thankful to have the time and space in my life to do that kind of work, which is a whole new way of living.

• Sunday afternoon, I met Jeff for a date at the Portrait Gallery.  He's a friend of a friend, who's got an easy way about him.  He wore a great, weathered leather jacket that is stylish, but has also seen some miles.  I'm not sure how old he is, but I'm guessing it's somewhere 5-10 years older than me...he has a gentle, calm air about him.  We wandered the galleries and leisurely chatted, looking at art, and then had a glass of wine in the courtyard as the sun went down and the light got dark.  We hovered near each other, getting closer and closer as we wandered and looked at the art, without touching.  When we left the museum, we made an impromptu decision to go to the theater next door for Hunger Games.  Shortly into the movie, we shared the arm rest, and out arms rested against one another. Gradually they got closer till our hands were touching.  Then, during a stressful scene, I grabbed (and then gripped, like a crazy person), his thigh, where my hand rested until his fingers entwined with mine.  Later we shared a cab home, and a quick good night kiss in the backseat.  It was a lovely grown up date, that was also modest enough that it reminded me of a high school date.  It's funny how things go full circle like that.  

Friday, November 20th, 2015

Chilly fall morning, cozy gratitude

• TGIT - It's not high brow.  Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder are full on guilty pleasures.  But, they're delicious and satisfying in the same way that salty nachos or shopping at a big box store is.  Great in their mass-produced way.  God Bless Shonda Rhimes.  It was also cool in last night's episodes that a Republican character fillibustered to support Planned Parenthood, and a prime time lead actress had an abortion on Scandal.  And on HTGAWM, there's a sero-discordant same-sex couple mixed in with the rest of the hot cast.  Thursday night may just be the most subversive night of mainstream tv out there.

• Pho 14's delivery has become my staple this fall.  It's warm, and healthy and fresh tasting.  Last night, I didn't feel well, and the giant steaming bowl of Pho was the perfect pairing with TGIT.  I'm grateful for my cozy little house, and these extra little creature comforts that are pretty great.

• Time.  After five years in a job where every minute was accounted for - I'm so grateful to have the breathing room of this current job, that gives me all the extra minutes I want.  It's not perfect, but the gift of extra time is pretty super fantastic.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

I can't bloody believe it's almost December again.

• There's this guy Ben in DC - he's a friend of a friend, we're casual acquaintances and Facebook friends.  He's got an interesting lens on the world, and frequently posts interesting things.  Today, he posted a quote, "the opposite of drunk isn't sobriety, it's connection."  I thought of that tonight when I got home from wine with Lisa and our former client David - between the three of us, we put away a coupla bottles of wine.  Happy hour was fun, but that sugar crash of sobriety mixed with the empty house tonight got me stirred up a bit.  That quote helped me keep my wits about me, and remember that in that moment, what I really wanted, was connection.  

• Which brings me to my next point: I'm grateful for my bathtub and my warm bathrobe.

• This afternoon, I also snuck out of work early to see my Spitfire crew - specifically to have cupcakes and celebrate Dennis's birthday and final day of chemo.  I'm grateful that those people are part of my tribe.  It was good to see them and there smart, smiling faces.  

• Dennis and Kevin are doing their best with a tough road.  I'm grateful that DC has a medical marijuana law that seems to be bringing Dennis some specific relief as the pain of his treatments builds.  And I'm grateful that he has time during this fall to rest and be cozy and heal.  I really hope this chapter resolves itself for him quickly and happily.

If I Die.

The attacks in Paris are a near constant reminder this week of our fragility in general, and of the particular vulnerability of living in a capital city.  Without indulging too much in the macabre or maudlin, there are a few things I'd like known should anything unseemly suddenly cap this adventure.

At 38 and eleven twelfths, I've led a mostly lucky life.  I've never wanted for food or security or a place in the world in the way that most terrorists seem to.  It doesn't mean in any way that I condone their approach, but at least I understand the differences in our experiences.  Don't spend much more time on them - they're broken and are choosing to break others.  They're not worth the pain they cause.

My family and friends have been a constant in this life - and I will be forever grateful.  At her 90th birthday, my Grandmere gave a toast, and said "In this room there are family who are friends, and friends who are family - I'm lucky to have both."  Me too.  I suspect, and hope, that in the event of a tragedy it will be the faces of many loved ones that I'll be thinking about.  

Please, someone feed my kitties, and give them a good home.  Gus (Guster) is a little bit of a biter, but it's just because he's a boy and has a lot of playful energy.  He loves to take naps and cuddle in the afternoons, which is pretty much the entire reason I decided to get cats.  Zuzu is sweet and skittish, but is also crafty and a constant watcher.  

To whomever cleans out my house - I apologize in advance that it's not cleaner or more organized.  Take what you like, and please know that from the great beyond, I will appreciate any efforts made to keep as much as possible from going into landfills, and instead going to people who will love and use these things that have been mine for a while.

As for my actual human remains: I don't like cemeteries.  Life and our time here is temporary, but once you put someone in a box in the ground, they seem to have claim to that spot forever - or at least, for an outsized portion of time compared to our lives.  I'd prefer to be cremated.  I'll leave it to my family to decide where to spread my ashes - though I'd be partial to water somewhere.  Maybe the Old Graue Mill near my house where we grew up, or Lake Michigan, or a sparkling bit of ocean somewhere.  Also, none of that open casket business.  I don't want someone doing my hair and make up - unless it's a full on drag queen (in which case: have at it, ladies).

The big lessons of my life are eluding me right now, as I sit here at my desk...typing in the middle of the day.  I know that there should be more words in the English language for "Thank you." I tried to find the right balance between work and play - and working while playing - but it's a slippery bugger of a question.  I'm grateful to have mostly had work that in some way helped (I hope) make the world better, and introduced me to some of my dearest friends.  To date, I haven't found a relationship that's lasted, but I have loved and been loved by some great men - that's no small thing.  My parents, grandparents, and an extended family of aunts and uncles and cousins and siblings have always made me feel cherished, and I hope I've returned that affection in good faith - you're a good bunch.   My friends, far and wide, have been among the great joys of my life - thanks for the laughs, the smart talking, the dancing, the shared beers, the occasionally yelling, and - as Josh Ritter says "the joy in the joyful and the laughter in the grief."  All of it.

The last word: I have long maintained that if my time comes before that of most of my friends and family, I would do my absolute best to be a world-class haunter.  I plan to keep my word on that.  Please know that when you hear the door slam in the middle of the night that scares you half-to-death (or any similar ghostly shenanigans, for that matter), and brings forth a flight-or-fight style scream...it's just me sending my love and having a laugh at your expense from Over Yonder.

Be and do good - as much as you can.  Try not to hurt anyone.  Hope you fall in love.  Say thank you, and always bless people when they sneeze.  

That's really it.  No regrets worth mentioning.  Cheers. Thanks, and MWAH, M.

Tuesday Morning - Once and Again

And today, a return to writing...

• I'm grateful for this weekend in Rehoboth with Ryan.  It was easy and comfortable and full of movies and the best damned pumpkin cheesecake at Kindle that I can remember. Also, John's house is amazing and he's so, so, generous with it.

• I'm grateful for the peaceful sense of ease that is present so much lately.  It's not that everything's perfect, but generally, there's a lot of times in the day where I just feel good.  I'm grateful to have found a bulletin board and file for over my desk to make the bunker better.

• I'm grateful for acupuncture last night and the time just before waking up this morning that were rich with dreams and images that were happy and deep.

• I'm grateful for Sandy, who said, "I don't want you meeting the man of your dreams, the showing him this blog and seeing what I'm grateful for."

Monday Morning, November 2, 2015. A new month and fresh start.

Today, I'm grateful that last night I was wanting someone to say good night to, and then out of nowhere, Ryan texted me the most unflattering picture of my own goddamned taint from MAMP that could possibly exist.  I'm grateful for him being my person generally, but right now in particular.

I'm grateful for my walk with Margot, which was a perfect way to start Sunday.  Which then led to a great day at spa world with Scott, and new friend Jeff (who is cute); followed by unplanned sushi with Jason.  For the first day of the month, it was sort of the perfect way to set intention - which is to spend quality time with old friends, intentionally make some new friends and broaden my circles a bit, and also take care of myself.  

I'm grateful for the time and energy to create, and be creative, and that I have a job and a role that's letting me find ways to live more of my life.  And I'm grateful for Nanowrimo (and maybe Digiwrimo, for encouraging me to get writing again.

Friday (FINALLY) October 16, 2015

• Tim is my straight guy, part-time rocker, hair stylist.  I've been seeing him for years.  He's got an easy way about him.  Yesterday, he gave me a great hair cut, which I really needed (also, if it had not been a good haircut after this particular week, I might have really lost my shit, so I'm doubly glad/grateful).

• Moira is a work friend who is also a real friend, and shares my delight in just about everything Sarah Koenig does, particularly in relation to SERIAL.  Last night, as soon as SK posted an update about the Adnan case to the SERIAL website, Moira texted it to me.  I'm grateful that she thought of me, that we have that connection...and also that Sarah Koenig is finally weighing in on the Adnan case again (I've missed her).

• Missy and Sean have continued to be their angelic selves, and had me over for dinner and pumpkin carving last night.  

• I'm grateful that it's Friday morning, and when I couldn't sleep this morning, I managed to pull myself out of bed and cleaned my house, which really needed it.  I can feel myself sort of orienting and getting myself in order a bit - which feels like a good sign.

• I'm grateful that I have Friday evening plans, and also that I may still wind up on the couch with the DVR and no agenda.

• I'm grateful that hard times don't last.

Thursday Morning - Winter is Coming, October 15, 2015

• I'm not grateful for insomnia.  The loss of sleep is also the loss of energy and of a vibrant day.  But I am grateful for the quiet time that is found when the whole world is sleeping between the hours of 3:00 am and 6:00 am.  Ambulances still go by on my street - but their loud sirens are silenced.  There's no foot traffic or laughter or yelling in the city streets around the house.  My cats are generally in the basement for the night so that they can enjoy their nocturnal shenanigans, which means that even the inside of the house is still.  I'm grateful for that stillness and quiet.  

• My friend Alex, is one of my Big Brother Gays.  Not in that he's all knowing and watching like the Orwell story (though he can be a know it all), but in that being around him has typically felt like the comfort of having an older sibling.  Who is also gay.  Who is also bigger than me (he's 6'4).  I'm grateful for our afternoon coffee break and chat yesterday afternoon.  We talked about break ups, and companionship, and families and also about drag because it's the time of year in DC (MAMP is coming, y'all).

• Reese is maybe ten weeks old.  She is brand new. She's the second daughter of my work wife, Lisa - whom I no longer work with.  But, Lisa and Phoebe and I had lunch at District Taco yesterday, and sweet baby Reese came in her stroller.  She was asleep for most of lunch, but she smiled with her fat baby cheeks and occasionally looked over at me with her wise eyes.  She is just the sweetest little peanut, I can't even believe it.  It was lovely to have lunch with Lisa and Phoebe, but really - Reese is the quiet storm of the bunch.  

• Missy and Sean are hovering over me.  There are texts, and calls and emails.  They are pointedly being present while I'm a little sad, which is a blessing (and I don't even use words like blessing, so there's that.)

• Vespers.  I also don't use words like vespers, but I'm grateful to have stumbled upon them last night.  Walking home from the gym, I was thinking that what I'd most like at that very moment would be to have a quiet sit in the soft pink sanctuary of All Souls.  I walked a little bit out of my way to go by the church, and there was a sign saying that Vespers were starting in 32 minutes.  I soaked in the quiet, and felt better.

Wednesday Morning - Super Fallish - October 14, 2015

• Nineties music is the spiritual and emotional equivalent of drinking a large fountain soda, purchased in a box store, where the cup gets wet with beads of sweat from the icy cold diet chemicals on the inside.  It's not very good for you, but it feels AWESOME and comforting.  It gives an immediate sugar rush, that is - frankly - the best.  Admittedly, I'm biased in my love for music from that decade - it's when I was in high school, college and Americorps - and the sciencey doctor people all say that there's a powerful connection in your brain to music that you listened to when you were young. So maybe it's just that.  Whatever, it doesn't matter.  I'm so glad that it exists and that sometimes, like last night, it reaches up, grabs me, and swallows me whole. Patrick, Erin and I went to the White Ford Broncos benefit concert for N Street village.  I was tired and not at all sure that I wanted to be there, until the opening chords of the first song started, and the cover of Better Than Ezra's Good hit the room, and everything felt amazing.  Holy shit, that was fun.  Notably, they didn't play any Counting Crows (Erin was brutally disappointed), nor any Gin Blossoms (the best of the 90's best), but still - generally, they killed.  Also, the show was over by 9:30, which I really appreciated because I'm old and tired and it was a school night.

• My friend Courtney swears a lot, and has very little tolerance for other people's bullshit.  She's a colleague, who has become a friend, and was the perfect person to see for lunch yesterday for a little perspective on both life and work.  I'm grateful for her, and also for a job that gives me flexibility to be remote when I need/want to.  Also, it's super important in life to have people that speak the same language as you.  She and I do that.  Or we have similar lenses.  Or something.  There's an understanding and connection around priorities, who's an asshole and why, and also eating tasty healthy lunches that we can enjoy, but not feel like we're going to have to spend an hour on the treadmill to make up for.  Bless.

• The Democrats are my team, the same way that people who follow sportsball love their teams.  I love them, and I root for them.  Sometimes they break my heart.  Mostly they make me proud. Last night, I was proud that the Dems had a civil debate.  They talked about ideas.  They didn't attack one another personally.  They were grown ups.  This is my party. These are my people.  This is my team.

• Sandy is my "voice inside my head" friend.  We talk most days on the way to work.  Her life is in Madison, mine is in DC.  We are very different, and also remarkably similar.  She is the person I process my life with the most, and in that, is also one of my chief witnesses and soundboards.  Yesterday was a bittersweet post-breakup day, which meant that I talked to her a couple of times, and felt better and more grounded each time.  This has been a bit of a hard week, but also a healthy one.  There's a lot to be grateful for.

• Josh Ritter (who's song lyrics inspired this blog), is my go-to muse.  I love that he's three months older than me...which means basically my same age.  It makes me oddly proud that in the Great Book of Art, he's the guy that we're throwing up to represent people born in 1976.  He's a poet, and a rocker, and has carved a path that's almost entirely his own.  He's not a household name by any stretch, but is known and beloved by a deeply devoted fan base who seek his writing and joy for performing out where and whenever we can.  His old albums are constant go-tos for me, particularly when I need comfort, and his new album (which comes out Friday) already feels like it will soon be an old friend.  Everyone who has access to a device that plays music should listen to him immediately.  

Day One - Tuesday Mornings, October 13, 2015

There's something great about Tuesday mornings.  The newness of the week has worn off enough, that it's not too much of a shock to get out of bed.  Inertia was broken by Monday - that's the hardest part.  By Tuesday, the week is still fresh, it's starting to get rolling - but typically hasn't dragged on and made everyone tired yet.  

There are some great songs about Tuesday Mornings, notably this song by the Pogues that is one of my all time very favorite songs:

So, it's great that today starts this little writing project.  Each day, or as many days as I can muster, I'll write briefly about at least three things that I'm grateful for.  I'll do my best not to be too precious or sweet about it - gratitude oughtn't give one a sugar crash to read about.  I'll try to be personal, without being too much.  Specific, without details.  Or something.  We'll see how this goes.

• I'm thankful for the last seven months with Adam. He is a very tall man with a tremendous heart. He's a grown up, direct and open with his feelings and has a midwestern sensibility that grants him uncommonly good common sense. I'm also grateful for this quote from Helena Bonham Carter, on her divorce from Tim Burton: “We did find each other. And really, the mark of a successful relationship shouldn’t be whether you’re there forever after. Sometimes you’re not meant to be forever together. Sometimes you have to come to terms with the fact that that was it. But that was a gift, a massive gift."  Godspeed, good man.

• My friends Missy and Sean are two of the people I know who are most filled with laughter.  It pours out of them, it's impossible not to laugh with them.  Last night, they saw me as only dear friends can - and understood that I needed their comfort and courage in equal amounts.  I'm also grateful for their freakin gorgeous backyard and grape vine-covered trellis, where I plan to drink many, many glasses of wine.

• Amy Poehler is much beloved in many corners of our culture right now, and for good reason.  She is sincere without being overly sweet. Wickedly smart and funny, but not mean.  I was late to the Parks and Recreation, and just finished it in the last couple of weeks on Hulu.  This morning, when I couldn't sleep, I watched the extended version of the series finale again.  I would like very much if Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope could appear in my living room this morning, gently touch my arm and show me my future.  But shy of that, I'm grateful for this gorgeous little show, that was funny and sweet and made sincerity cool in a really fresh and rare way.  I'm grateful for this show, and it's goodness (both how good it is, and also that it's about being good).